August 22, 2015
The honeymoon is over. We had a week of such fun that I was tempted to think “what’s so hard about this parenting thing anyway?” Except that I knew better than to say such a thing, even if it had been just in my own deluded head :-)
Sure enough, after that first week of ease we entered into the reality of post-pubescent life, and began to have the corresponding battles: morning school-prep delay tactics, for example. Or sneaking 2 extra laps across the pool after the “time’s up” warning, when she thinks I’m not looking.
Used to this sort of routine by now, I was surprised to find her uninterested in swimming after school yesterday. I had anticipated a fun Friday swim and ended up with a child throwing our plan for a loop as she expected to be able to sit at home by herself. We realized that we’ve had such a habit of asking her what she wants in any given scenario that we had no response ready when her idea didn’t mesh with ours. We decided to insist on an outing and set out, the two of us discussing discipline ideas while a sullen preteen shuffled her feet behind us. The remainder of the evening was smooth enough, but I found myself insecure, wishing we were smiling and laughing together, or that she’d show interest in doing yoga with me as she often does.
The truth is that I’m jealous of my husband-jealous of his laid back and patient nature, and jealous of the way he draws people to him and smooths out issues. I, on the other hand, get too easily stressed out and impatient with difficulties. I get frustrated by things out of my control and react by obsessing over minor details that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. In the household this means I’m the one who’s the stickler for rules, and the one always bringing up what needs to be done, and what hasn’t been taken care of. In other words, I’m the strict parent. And I’m realizing that I get very self-centered in my neediness to be “liked” in the home: this need does not mesh very well with a parenting role.
But back to yesterday. I had invited the boys over for a movie night, so all the boarders were together with us last night. A few times during the movie I asked P if she needed help with her hair. I had set up an early morning appointment for her at a nearby shop, after she’d said her weaving was coming out and she needed to get it fixed. I knew she was supposed to take out the old ones before the morning, so thought maybe I could help her do it while we watched the movie. She said no each time, though, saying she didn’t need help. She also said she didn’t need help waking up in time in the morning [which is said each weekday as well, with each weekday needing, in fact, said wake-up call after all :-)]. I said ok, though—no wake up call—and before long headed to bed myself, being rather zonked from the first full week of teaching. The boys and Peace finished the rest of the movie while I read in bed. A bit later, once all were headed to bed, I heard a knock on the door. Peter answered from downstairs, and I heard her respond that she didn’t need him. She asked to come in and, when I said to come on in, she fidgeted for a moment before asking me what she should do about her hair. “Well,” I began, you can either stay up late tonight or wake up early in the morning—you do need to take them out, right?” She nodded, but didn’t respond. “Do you want me to help you?” I asked. She looked up then. “Will you?” I told her I would, and got out of bed. Realizing it was going to be along process, I called for assistance from a neighbor as well, who came over immediately. The two of us made relatively good time with the braids, chatting with P while we did. I told her the story of my hair-buzzing when I was in my twenties.
Frankly, for all my rule-enforcing tendencies, I was relieved that she had asked me to help her. Somehow it eased my insecurity over my role, and it gave a sense of purpose that calmed my nervous spirit. In so many ways, I know I am not suited to the roles placed in my life right now: teacher, parent, wife . . .
Lord help me as I piece them together, best as I can, and somehow, someway, survive the refining process brought about in the process.
August 15, 2015
I will never win Mother of the Year: I generally tell others that my husband is the one with the nurturing tendencies. So it came as a surprise to me more than anyone when tears sprung to my eyes as I beamed with pride. We had walked in, slightly flustered at my worry that we were short on time before the bell, and as we walked up the stairs another teacher looked over at us and exclaimed that my girl looked so smart in her uniform. “I know!,” I said, smiling so big I had trouble enunciating …”doesn’t she?”
The funny thing about this was that her uniform-wearing was a total improv job for us, right before we walked out the door that morning . The truth is that our rush was my own fault-I was the one stressing about my appearance and changing clothes at the last minute, so that I did not notice till the last minute that she was not wearing the uniform I had expected her to be in. Due to some payment confusion, she had spent the first few days of school in regular clothes. While the school had given us permission in this regard, I did feel bad that she was having to stand out among her peers; I’d been excited, then, to borrow a couple shirts the day before. We then discovered that she actually had with her a skirt that looked almost identical to the uniform skirts!
So yesterday morning when I saw she wasn’t wearing our planned uniform, she explained that the skirt had a problem. I asked to see it, while explaining that she still needed to wear the shirt, even if the skirt didn’t work. When I saw the problem, I realized that I could make it work sufficiently enough for the uniform to appear all together; there in the kitchen we did a quick change-and-clothing-hack, and then headed out the door.
It occurs to me that oftentimes my life is like a clothing hack–I end up finding ways to make do, but always have an underlying suspicion that the rest of the world “has it all together ” far better than I do. While I intellectually know this cannot be true, I still persist in living as if I have to maintain appearances of planned-ness, of professionalism, of “normalcy,” and of proper spirituality. Most of the time, the reality is that I tend to figure things out as I go, for better or for worse.
Peace. Our dorm daughter’s name is Peace. And ever since she arrived, I have had Paul’s benediction running through my head. “Grace and peace to you …” Somehow, with my own name (meaning and middle name) being grace, I cannot help but feel there is a significance to the fact that the two female names in our household are meant to be. In some way, we are to live output names. Somehow, we will be the recipients, as a household, of both grace and peace. In spite of mothering inadequacies :-)
August 2, 2015
Wow. I’m tired … This transitioning business is intense. How could I forget, in just three years since my last new-country transition, how draining it is to be a newbie in the world. Ok, fair enough-I’m not exactly a newbie in the world :-) But I might as well be, seeing as how my world is all new right now: home, work, community, language … Even “family,” shortly, once our boarding house “children” arrive this week. And that part, in fact, I am super excited about. Somehow, settling into a large house with beds made up for students has left me eagerly anticipating the youngsters, in a way that comes as a surprise. My customary reaction to change involves either fearing or feeling numb about that which is to come – only after having some sort of experience, some frame of reference for excitement, do I look forward to something.
Marriage, for instance: before my wedding, I would quite truthfully answer “no” when asked if I was excited. How could I feel excited about something that was unknown to me?, I wondered. So why would you be willing to do anything new, you ask? I should clarify that my lack of excitement does not indicate an expectation that something will be negative: He has proven to be faithful in bringing good gifts with each step I have taken, oftentimes overwhelming me with the goodness of it all. So from experience I know that it is right to walk forward into the unknown, even if I do so fearfully, anticipating the things I will have to give up, and the hardships that are to come. I can use that experience, then, to remind myself and to coax myself forward past the fear … And into the goodness (which married life definitely proved to be overflowing with!)
Back to the present [or to the future? ;-)]. All that to say, I find it curious that I’m looking forward to the arrival of our students, since I have not yet experienced the role of dorm parent. Maybe the fact that I have experienced dorm life serves as some frame of reference …a possibly deceptive frame, now that I think about it, considering the fact that I was not in the primary parent role before! Then again, this time around I have a husband who will also be primarily filling that role :-)
Here we are–a couple of parenting newbies stumbling our way along this transitioning road: making errors left and right [primarily those of the “left” variety, being 2 lefties in a culture where the use of our left hands generally indicates the intent to be offensive ]; trying to have patience with each other as we do so; praying for grace, for each other, and for ourselves!
*one of my potential goofs involved the taking of this photo. I had happily happened upon a view over the city, from the university’s botanical gardens while running. I stopped to take a picture and, as I did, heard a voice behind me asking if I was taking a picture of “his garden.” Uh oh, I thought. My response was simply to stammer “Um . . . yes-it’s beautiful!” Hopefully not too bad of a goof, but it did make me inclined to be a bit more cautious in my photo-taking :-)
July 20, 2015
A chicken. Of all things to plop down on a brain, refusing to free it for dwelling on any other thoughts: a chicken. As if my brain had become the hatching ground, I’ve been dwelling on this chicken since yesterday evening. More precisely, this chicken is a hen. A broody hen. I had never heard of such a thing until now—somewhat surprisingly, since I used to take a certain amount of pride from the fact that I was in on the family neck-wringing and feather-plucking when I was young [my fervor for the task dampened slightly, mind you, when I adopted, and named, a pet from among the bunch. But that is another story: a woeful tale . . .].
But I suppose many decades have passed between then and now, and enough of a lifetime to forget some of my farming roots. Which is why I was all ears as my mother-in-law gave me the tour of her 19-hen collection, explaining the process she has gone through in learning, from scratch [;-)], how to raise and care for different breeds of egg-layers. I kept shaking my head as I listened, repeating “I had no idea . . .” I had no idea there was so much involved in the process of caring for these creatures. I had no idea they had such intriguing quirks and tendencies. I had no idea they were so, well, so much like people! At least, that’s what I was thinking when I was introduced to the “broody hen” . . .
Basically, from what I have learned thus far, a broody hen is one whose hormones and circumstances have made her enter a single-track state of mind: she is ready to raise her young. This means she will squat stubbornly on her eggs, to the extent that she will forego other aspects of daily chicken life: taking her dust baths, eating, even drinking water! What makes this biological phase problematic for the average chicken farmer is that a hen will enter the “broody” phase whether or not her eggs have been fertilized. In other words, if there is no rooster available, so no chance of the eggs hatching, she will nevertheless insist on hatching them, hunkering down until she loses her own life in the waiting.
Admittedly, this analogy does not apply to humans in the same extremity: I doubt that someone would inadvertently pine away while waiting for a “hatching” that they do not know is impossible. I do, however, believe that a great deal of applicable truth can be drawn from this natural phenomenon.
And it need not necessarily be about having children, though that is certainly something people get single-minded about: fertility clinics and adoption agencies abound to give evidence of this fact. All manner of potential fixations, however, can get our attentions and energies lopsided: I know I have my fair share, rotating in and out with life’s seasons. I wish I could propose a grand solution: a happy ending to this writing. With a summer that has consumed me with its travel, moving preparations, and medical issues for both my husband and I, I find myself feeling woefully unprepared for a one-week-and-counting move to yet another continent. I suppose even in the best of circumstances, though, I have never found a way to actually be prepared for these—or for any other life changes, for that matter. Maybe the best I can do here, now, is sit in the peace of a few days left in the gentle company of family and be . . . and maybe learn a thing or two about raising chickens :-)
June 4, 2015
So this will be a short post. I am just beginning the process of figuring out what I can do one-handed (and wrong-handed). Here in the middle of my biggest book project in my career as a librarian, with combined inventory of 11,000 plus cataloging of 600 titles, I am suddenly one (and wrong) armed.
My morning commute into work today turned into a visit to the international clinic. “As far as breaks go,” he assured me, “this is about the best kind you could have gotten.” While grateful for that fact, I’m afraid the prospect of immobility is still a looming, and daunting, one for me. But here it is, and so begins project See-What-I-Can-Manage-With-One-Arm. So far I have begun wrong-handed tooth brushing, and one-handed typing. That is not much of an accomplishment when I think ahead to all the rest of the things to be done … but off to it! :-)
This is the offending sticky-upy piece of metal:
June 1, 2015
So she didn’t die. The morning after the day of death-scare, she woke up and simply decided she was going to live. It’s still a mystery to us; but we watched her develop a hearty appetite for the super-nutrient pet vitamin we had bought, get back to her usual self, and return to all those normal kitty habits that I never thought I’d be happy to hear/see:
incessant meowing at the start of certain kitchen preparations: she has an uncanny ability to smell even frozen-solid meat
sharpening her claws on my yoga mat, or on any surface that she deems worthy of her scratching time (i.e. those that will show clear and lasting evidence that her claws were there)
making sure we do not forget how to get to her litter box, by leaving trails of litter from any given room in the home
showing her affection for the broom by following me when I sweep and running to splay her body over it at each stroke.
I had to throw away the lovely cross I had painstakingly made for her. Ok, so maybe it was neither lovely nor painstakingly made: but it did feel a bit odd to just toss a grave marker with her name on it.
We also had to resume project find-a-new-owner in full force—even more urgent now that a week had passed in which we had grown lax in the search. Then, suddenly, a photo sent by a friend to her friend led to a phone call the next night, which led to a pickup the next day. Yes, Lily has a new home: quite a perfect one, in fact, for an older cat used to having plenty of adult attention. Her new owners are a young couple who have not been married for long and who, we suspect, will find Lily to be the perfect first “child.”
A part of me wants to wonder about the meaning of all this: why the roller coaster of emotions and reactions? But the more practical part realizes that it is simply time now to move on with the business of moving. A library remains to be inventoried this week; books remain to be catalogued; our home remains to be packed up and cleared out . . . yes, on to the business of life. But, hopefully, with a remnant of the peace that comes from knowing that someone’s got my back. Someone’s on my side :-)
May 21, 2015
My cat almost died this week. She may, in fact, still die. But I am currently eyeing her with hope as she eats small bits of my experimental offerings: scrambled eggs with cheese, bits of chicken, fish eggs. She has moved out of her chair enough to keep an eye on me—significant improvement from last night’s inability to even get herself down from the chair to her litter box. I say “my” cat when I should actually say “his” cat as, in truth, she is a daddy’s girl. So during the past 2 weeks of his village travels, she has seemed to just give up.
We suspect that she is aware of the changes looming ahead, in that uncanny manner that animals seem to sense their owners’ stresses and life events. At an old age, with one set of owners who raised her before us, she may just be saying that she is done with transition and will not cooperate with another one. So in a matter of hours, my great moving stress of finding a new home for her morphed into one of preparing for her death while nursing her as she lives. While at work today, I borrowed a shovel and made a cross, preparing myself for what I feared I would come home to. Instead of a burial, however, I have been alternately holding my breath in waiting and giddy with each active move she makes.
The strange part about this all is the revelation it has given me so far as my own transition and grieving process goes. Up to now, I have been consumed with the business of it all: overwhelmed by the prospect of getting all the books I ordered cataloged, managing inventory, and closing up with school business. I have also been increasingly guilt-ridden over my impatience with the string of goodbye parties and activities I’ve felt obligated to participate in. It seems as if all the other friends and coworkers, who are also leaving soon, have this ability to make the most of these last times together, to cry at the farewells, to wax eloquent about what has meant the most to them about life here. I, on the other hand, am unmoved: all I seem to be able to care about is trying to take care of business.
As I walked with one close friend after the most recent of these gatherings, I voiced my frustration, desperate to get it off my chest. She said she understood, and kindly offered that I should allow myself to feel what I felt, and let myself process as I needed to. While agreeing with her intellectually, I still could not shake the guilt for not caring about what I “should” care about.
But last night, as I woke up yet again to see if Lily was still breathing (the night was spent in a fitful manner of dozing and then reawakening in a fear that she was dead), I realized that I was crushed by the sight of her feeble shell of a self. And not only that, but it moved me to tears. Could it be, I wondered, that my cat is giving me the gift of grief: the ability to get out the emotion that has been locked behind an padlocked gate of ice?
I hope—I pray—that it is so . . .
May 2, 2015
I wish I had my husband’s heart. I wish that, in the face of a series of significant farewells, I grew sad and reflective, as I see him doing. I wish that, when tears flowed at the prospect of a pending goodbye, my own eyes welled up at the prospect.
I was born to root . . . but bred to roam: raised in a fashion that left me stunted in “normal” settling tendencies and filled with quirky gifts, a few being:
the ability to pack all I really need for a move into two suitcases
a skill at finding the perfect new homes for random items that need giving-away in order to accomplish this 2-suitcase move
the capacity to unpack said 2 suitcases and feel comfortable in a new home in approximately 2 seconds . . . ok, so maybe 2 hours :-)
The other day I discovered an author, as I browsed the poetry section to find a poem to read for one of my classes. His name is Mattie Stepanek, and apparently he has had a fair bit of fame, once making it to the New York Times’ bestseller list. He died at the age of 13, after losing his 3 older siblings to the same disease that took his life (Muscular Dystrophy). This poem in particular struck me, with words expressing the emotion that I with I could express:
People complain that
Others cry too much.
Tears are like rain.
Gently, or strongly.
Quietly, or loudly.
Refreshingly, or devastatingly.
But they always,
In some way, come.
And cleanse, and console.
There’s a mess to fix
After the rain,
After the tears,
But it always makes people
And take notice.
We should all cry
For each other.
If everyone in the world
Cried with and for
Other people and life,
We might be
More caring and peaceful.
We could cry enough
That the world would be
A cleaner and healthier place,
For our people,
For our life,
For our future.
What wisdom coming from such a young heart, and from such deep sorrow in so short of a life! I mused on these words as I finished the workday, trying to coax the appropriate sadness out of myself when speaking to others about my nearing transition.
Shortly thereafter, the school bell sounding, it was time for Track practice to begin. Only two of the students were distance, so I was decided to try to make it a good conversation time as we ran. Both had come on the trip we took a few weeks ago, so I asked them to tell me their highlights from that international track meet. Expecting them to talk about the medals they had won or their time socializing with buddies, I was caught off guard by the first response given: it was a song I had made up one day, as I accompanied 2 girls to the nearest bathroom. Noticing the rhyme one had accidentally spoken, I began to sing a song about how “we all need to pee.” Once getting started with it, of course, I couldn’t resist hamming it up a bit, and making a fool of myself in the process :-)
Now, stereotypically, one would think that this sort of behaviour, coming from one’s 35-year-old coach, would mortify a couple of teenage girls who were, incidentally, in the company of several hundred other teenage girls and boys. So when she gave this response, I looked at her in disbelief. Then I laughed. And the joy that welled up in my heart as we all laughed together brought tears to my eyes.
So maybe not the kind of tears I was trying for but, hey, I’ll take it :-)
*When it came my turn for highlight-sharing, I had an immediate response: our post-meet airport photo shoot. At this point in the game, the races were done and all were happy from the success, tired from the effort, and grungy from lack of showering after the fact. These factors seemed to combine in order to create a mutual sense of giddy carefreeness as we waited our the flight delay. For some reason, it made me particularly giddy to get to join in on the fun as we took a series of jumping photos . . . and somehow, it seems a fitting image for this particular post.
April 3, 2015
Not yet. What if the answer I am to end up with, at the end of an extravagant journey, is “not yet”? What if I, an admittedly impatient—at times, I’m afraid, impulsive—individual, am to come to end of orientation with the realization that I must turn down what was such an invigorating prospect to me?
When all is said and done, I near the end of this trip suspecting that the worth of it was in the family time that it allowed, more so than the academic experience itself. Mind you, I do still believe that the ideas I have are intended to result in some form of higher academic pursuit: I just cannot help but hope that this can happen in a way that does not take away the financial freedom acquired by living “outside the box,” in a sense. Up to this point, we have [previously independently and, now, together] avoided the normal sorts of financial obligations that come from school, home, or other debt; consequently, we have been able to pursue work that does not provide the “normal” sort of compensation.
So what I now realize, after a trip that combined doctoral program orientation with a family visit, is that I am not ready to give up that ability to do such family visits because all funds [plus much more than what we have :-)] are dedicated to education.
As much as I wanted to pursue this, and as much as it invigorated the mental synapses, I suspect that a bit of time will allow for a creative inspiration as to how this dream might be pursued in a way that fits us—the odd birds that we are. Funny thing, that word: fits. It occurs to me that this words has made its way into my vocabulary in a sort of thematic manner; in different seasons of my life, different fits have come . . . “if the shoe fits” . . . “a bun doesn’t fit in a burkha” . . . perhaps, now, “if the dream fits?”
Yes, I’m afraid that a part of life might be realizing that sometimes a dream has to die. Or maybe it is not exactly a death: maybe it is more of a releasing. Didn’t the poet warn “hold fast to dreams/for if dreams die . . .”? It may feel like a death, in that it is no longer held to oneself. But the truth is that it has been let go into the unknown future. Like a dove sent ahead to scope out the territory, it seeks out the growth that we cannot yet grasp hold of. Then, when the time is right, it returns to us, now a green branch of hope carried back from a shining future. So the brightness beckons us forward once again, towards a dream reborn into something better . . .
March 11, 2015
It was a picnic. Of all things to throw me over the edge today, I must admit to it being a picnic. We had decided last night that, it being an evening without extra classes, we should use tonight to pack and picnic and head to a city park supposedly lovely with spring blooms right now.
I should have known better than to plan our outing for the day of the week that never fails to use up every ounce of my work energies: this year the Wednesday schedule simply maxes me out so far as the number and combination of classes.
I also should have known better than to make the plan for a week in which I am extra short on help with library maintenance tasks.
I especially should have been wary of any extra adventures in the week of a pending decision I need to make: a huge, many-years-impacting decision. I am perched at precipice, peering into the doorway of a dream come true . . . but a dream that stretches the limits of my confidence. Quite frankly, I do not know if I can do it, never mind if it is wise for us to commit to the expenses [spanning multiple sorts of “costs”] of it.
So it was that I came to the end of the day spent. So much so that a simple request to teach an extra class tonight brought me to a teary-eyed “No—I cannot: not tonight!” I texted P as I got on my bike to tell him I was on my way home. I also warned him, adding that “I don’t know if I can go out—I think I may need to stay home tonight.” I didn’t wait for his response before starting out . . . I knew I didn’t need to. I am married to a man with infinitely more patience and understanding than I can generally muster myself. I didn’t need to wait for the “No problem” that was to come.
Nearing home, I was getting back onto the bike after walking through a doorway when I paused. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of blue on the ground. Though I do not normally take time to pause at this point in the day, I did. Others walked around me as I then bent down and cupped a stunning butterfly in my hands. I do not know why I had the impulse to do so, but as it crawled along, limping from some sort of likely-fatal injury, I wanted to bring it home. P met me at the door and started to move my bike for me but I stopped him. “Wait—I need to do something!” I pointed to the bike basket, and to what was flitting about inside it. We cupped it together in our hands and snapped a photo of it before releasing it again. I do not have high hopes for the future of this butterfly life . . . but I do have hope. Perhaps the same can be said for my own.