torn

Torn. Yes, that is what I am right now. A day of mental acrobatics and waverings, squeezed into the usual busy-ness of a school day. The answer, of course, is that I should do what God is leading me to do. Yes, I know. And yet, as is more often than I’d like the case, I find my emotional self interfering with the knowledge of God’s leading in my life. My heart leaps to conclusions I think, maybe faster than my soul cares to follow. I think maybe God leads in a slower manner than I am comfortable with, so that I want to make quick decisions based on the intensity of my emotions. And afterwards I wonder if I have jumped ahead of His leading . . .
I want to trust that He works in the midst of, and perhaps in spite of, the way in which my wiring tempts me. But I worry that I mess things up in my haste.
When it comes down to it, I suppose it doesn’t really matter so much whether I worry or not. Thy will be done. In spite of me.
So in the midst of this day, I was handed a sleeping baby. For a few moments in between clamoring kiddos, I held this little one and mused on the peace incarnate contained in that beautiful face. I clasped onto that moment and reminded myself that all shall be well. That the big picture is greater than me.