so be it

February 2, 2013

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After a bit of restless, dream-filled sleep, I headed out earlier than usual this morning for class. Once downtown, I passed what I assumed to be a mother and child. I briefly glanced at them as she held him back by the shoulder until it was their turn to cross the street. When I looked away, back to the road in front of me, a sentence popped into my head, so instantly and clearly that I nearly spoke it out loud. “My child will love me.” What? I made a face, wrinkling up my forehead while I pondered the ridiculousness of those words. I don’t have a child. I won’t have a child . . . right? I’m too old to get started with that process now . . . aren’t I? Logistically thinking through the whole arrival-of-future-partner to relationship-building to marriage to baby timeline. It’s just not looking likely.
But this sentence in my head brought up a huge area of insecurity for me. It is very tempting to feel that, for all the “good” things I’ve been doing, I have failed my family by not producing a family of my own. It may be a self-manufactured illusion of the value placed on mothering in my family, but the perception is there for me all the same. It is simply something I need to recognize, and deal with as it is.
And you know, as B and I ate ice cream and spoke about it, a short time thereafter, I realized that sometimes you just have to leave it at that: So be it. Be it as it is, whether it is as a 33-year-old single wanderer or as a 31-year-old who recently lost one child and is expecting another. We laughed at ourselves as we fumbled with dropped coins at the parking meter, cursing the cold that froze our fingers and reddened our noses. Then, chattering teeth and all, we placed our orders and joked that, come hell or high water, we would have our ice cream outing.
So be it.
When you laugh out loud with the pleasure of a hip-hop grooving dance move mastered.
So be it.
When you figure out a new-fangled technology riddle for a Grandpa who rewards it with a wide-eyed exclamation of “That’s amazing!”
So be it.
When you fall to your knees with the sorrow of the ways in which you have failed those you love most.
So be it.
When you live in a world in which all is not as it should be.
So be it.

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One Response to “so be it”

  1. Nadine said

    Anna, when I first read those words I heard God speak to me and declare that “His child will love Him” I felt He was saying that ALL HIS children will love Him. As I read on, I saw what you were saying and I agree. So Be It . . .

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