hashing

February 7, 2013

0202130732

A friend and coworker, whom I’d known for quite a few years at the time, once told me something that I initially took offense at. “You tend to go after what you want,” he commented. When I gasped at the statement, horrified at what sounded so brash, so worldly, so . . . not-nice, he quickly clarified that he’d meant it to be a compliment. “That’s a good thing,” he explained, “It’s good that you know what you want in life and you pursue it.” I was not convinced. And not amused.
That was many years ago now, but I still find myself rehashing that idea in my mind any time there is a period of life decisions, or branching paths, that I come to. This has most definitely been one of those seasons: a period of life crammed with decisions to make and self-examinations to delve into. I have closed some doors, by my own volition. And I have chosen one door that will require a full-on commitment. There is a great relief in that, frankly—a readiness to get out of my mental hashings and into a daily routine that demands full attention, and that depletes my energy by the end of each day. Ready. Ready or not . . .
In the meantime, I try to tie up my loose ends here and prepare to leave well, as best as I can. But I’m beginning to suspect that a great portion of “leaving well,” at this point in my life, is going to mean having the maturity to let go of those expectations of perfection. Rather than adding to my own to-do list each day, requiring meticulous completion of each item, I might need to assume some failure—and accept that. Can I sit with my own failures? God grant me the grace to do so . . . for only in so doing will I be able to really love the people in my life.
I must also have patience with tasks that do not feel as productive as those in my work-life routine. Take yesterday, for example . . .
[to be continued, as this blog post is getting long, and the hour is late. That story will come in the next post. In the meantime, here is a photo of the sunrise from here in the home I will be missing soon . . .]

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